Learning to walk as Jesus walked is hard. I don't just mean emotionally hard, but physically hard. I hope you know what I mean by that. My present circumstances are forcing me to realize something I desperately need to understand: I need Jesus. More and more I desire to have meaningful, Spirit led conversations with my co-workers and students. I need Jesus. I want to love my wife and cast a vision for my sons. I need Jesus. My heart is burdened for people in my family to treasure Christ, but I am frozen not knowing exactly what to do or say. I need Jesus. I am tired and frustrated that I give in to my flesh and say that it's just too hard to follow Jesus and be led by the Spirit when I'm tired. I need Jesus. But how? How do I "need Jesus" in the right way? Boy that sounds like a strange question and I hope you understand what I am saying. The words "apart from Me you can do nothing" are ringing in my ears right now. It is easy to quote that and intellectually agree, but do I really believe it? I'm not sure I do yet. Therein lies the struggle for all of us desiring to walk as He walked. Our souls cry out with the man who said "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!" The words of the Psalmist echo true as well as he proclaimed "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Can I, with any credibility, say that I desire nothing besides Jesus? No, not yet. But I want to. I need Jesus.
My mind shifts to where Jesus was on this evening. He prayed for us. He asked the Father to make us one and to sanctify us in the truth. He was in the garden crying out to His Father, sweating blood. He most certainly dreaded the physical pain to come, but much more than that He knew that something was coming that had never happened before and will never happen again. He knew that my sin would be placed on Him and that His Father would turn away. That horrifying, inevitable reality caused Him to cry out "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me." He didn't want to keep going down the road the Father had sent Him on. And this is where these two paragraphs collide for me. His next words were "not as I will, but as you will." In the midst of my tired, sometimes frozen fear and frustration will I follow Jesus and humbly admit "not as I will, but as you will"?
I need Jesus.

Travis